ok, line breaks?

The apple we have tasted
has perhaps led us further into sin
but has certainly led us further into truth.

And with our hands clasped together
this fire we're walking through has cooled
no longer to hurt us,
while the sun refreshes us
and comforts us so that we know
someone, somewhere watches over us.

Our youth provides us the energy
to fight the war against the blackened
souls of those who wish we were not
and sometimes this fight can bring us down

we are together and our hearts are strong
to bring us eventually to sail free.
Once we win, my darling, we will have proven
to ourselves and the world that love will reign,
a mountain of hope for the next generation of change


that's what I would do, anyway. this is nice - very clear in meaning and good imagery. I would find another less "generic" word than "darling" to be honest, because it nearly cheapens the deep and rather sacred context you're using it in. I hear this in a whisper. very nice!



--
"I'm not gonna say anything inspirational; I'm just gonna fucking swear a lot." Billie Joe Armstrong

I love the imagery in this poem. It's simple, but heartfelt. I think line breaks would be helpful, but because the poem is so short to begin with, they don't seem extremely necessary.

I'm afraid I feel obligated to contest the notions you've brought up in your description of this piece. There's this great music video by Matchbox 20, "Let's See How Far We've Come," and although it is dually pessimistic and optimistic in my opinion, it definitely does a reasonably good job of showing us that we've got a long way to go (another great song, by Gwen Stefani).

Comparing the struggle amongst the variety of minorities feels to me like comparing the various instances of genocide in our history - it just doesn't make sense to begin with. How can we create a gauge of comparison for suffering without revealing other biases? Why would we even want to? Although I recognize that suffering is in some part, inevitable, that by no means makes it acceptable.

Hopefully I don't sound like I'm preaching to you. But I'm here for a reason, and that is to comment! I understand this is a touchy subject, so if you feel I've overstepped any boundaries, please let me know rather than harboring ill feelings against me. I've been noticing a trend in this type of behavior around here lately. Please pardon my defensiveness.

The apple we have tasted
has perhaps led us further into sin
but has certainly led us further into truth.

I know the idea that you're going for, but in my head I'm debating whether or not it's cliche. I think it would be better if you explained what sin and what truth you are referring to.

And with our hands clasped together
this fire we're walking through has cooled
no longer to hurt us,
while the sun refreshes us
and comforts us so that we know
someone, somewhere watches over us.

There are a number of uses of the word "us" in these lines. I would take out the ones I bolded. I would also elaborate on how the fire hurt you, and where the fire came from.

Our youth provides us the energy
to fight the war against the blackened
souls of those who wish we were not
and sometimes this fight can bring us down,
we are together and our hearts are strong
to bring us eventually to sail free.

I like the image of "sail free" and I would elaborate on that, maybe instead of fighting a war you could be sailing though a storm (in more original terms, of course).

Once we win, my darling, we will have proven
to ourselves and the world that love will reign,
a mountain of hope for the next generation of change.

I agree with the previous comment about "my darling." I also like the rhyme of "reign/change," because of the rhythmic feel it gives the ending. I think you should clarify what it is that you will win, because when you refer to something and then don't put it in concrete terms it becomes very abstract and difficult to relate to. I also think that "mountain of hope" is cliche, and you could maybe find something relating to sailing to put there? I really like that conceit.



--
"Art is anything you can get away with."