Well I think that the general metaphor works well, but there are a few places where I think you could clarify your connection:

"I can't find the articles I need to modify my nouns." I think this would be stronger if you elaborated, because I'm not sure of which nouns and of which articles you are thinking. It kind of gets lost.

I love the line about prepositions. It made perfect sense when I read it. I also think that it's ironic that there aren't any prepositions in that line .

I also like the way that the poem ends, but I think that it's interesting that the entire poem is written in complete sentences, but in the poem you talk about the degradation of your grammar. Maybe it would be more powerful if the grammar in the poem disintegrated as you become a fragment.

It's grammar. I love it .

--
"Art is anything you can get away with."

oh my... this is lovely and heartbreaking at the same time! and it makes perfect sense the way you're explaining the metaphor no crit, I wouldn't change a thing, except the hurt you're feeling right now



--
"I'm not gonna say anything inspirational; I'm just gonna fucking swear a lot." Billie Joe Armstrong

OooO! I think this is a really cool way to get the message across!

--
"Christ died for our sins, dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not commiting them?"
My baby

Please tell me you submit to the likes of Kaleidoscope on campus? Your work has to be seen somewhere. It's quite good. This is such an excellent metaphor, and to deliver it in this particular way - it just couldn't get more perfect! And it remains short, but packed to the brim with bittersweet emotion. God, I don't miss having crushes. I once knew your pain. And I can say with confidence - you will surpass this. Keep your head up!

this is a different kinda piece to your others

--
Good taimes...

exactly why I wanted your critique. I knew as I was writing it that my grammar should be falling to pieces but I don't know how to express thoughts in incomplete sentences.

and of course there weren't any prepositions in the line about having no prepositions. that was my favorite to write, except for the first line because that had been stuck in my head for a couple of days.

suggestions for articles? I kinda just threw it in because articles are a part of speech.

yay grammar!

--
amor vincit omnia
*christians
"Above all, maintain constant love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins." (1 Peter 4:8, NRSV)